you're so skinny right now.

Being married to a distance runner is an interesting experience, especially when it comes to compliments. Because Rivers is an elite athlete and studies exercise science, his mind functions at a different level than us regular folk. It's not every man that will tell you with genuine enthusiasm that “Oh babe, your calves look great right now”, or “your peronius longus is super defined”. Over the years I've learned to really appreciate these strange yet sincere compliments, however there have been a couple of occasions when Rivers' anatomically-correct flattery has caused some problems.

One of the first compliments I received from him while we were dating was “You're really barrel-chested, you know.” Barrel-chested, barrel-chested...Nope, not a term that was in my vocabulary. I quickly tried to figure out how this was not offensive, as I was sure he hadn't intended it to be. Did he mean I had big boobs? Broad shoulders? I played Donkey Kong a lot? Hmmm...I wasn't really getting it, so I just had to ask.

S: Ummm...What exactly does barrel-chested mean?
R: Well, it's a really good thing, because it means that you have really good lung capacity.
S: Why, because I'm top-heavy?
R: No, no, no! It just means that you have a large rib cage.
S: Are you calling me fat?
R: No. Oh man. Okay, what it means is, I can tell that you used to be a competitive swimmer because you have a wide chest cavity.
S: You're digging yourself a hole here...
R: I promise it's a compliment.
S: Whatever.

So there was that time. But the compliment that takes the cake was dished out a few nights ago, which compelled me to write this post at all. We were laying in bed, ready to go to sleep...

S: I think I've lost all the baby fat. Can you tell?
R: Ya, for sure. (He reaches over to grab my stomach.) Wow, you really are skinny! If I could grab that much fat on my stomach, I would think I would only have to lose 20 pounds!!!
S: (Hesitation. Processing this unbelievable information...) What? Did you really just say that?
R: Okay, maybe that sounded bad...
S: Maybe?
R: What I meant was...well, I'm REALLY skinny right now, right?
S: Right...
R: Okay, and I still have to lose 10 pounds to be in racing shape. So for a normal person trying to look really good, it would be a compliment if they proportionely only weighed 10 pounds more than me.
S: Hm. That's awesome.
R: Nooooo. You didn't get the compliment. Okay, this is not about aesthetics, it's purely about distance running shape. Right now, I'm going for the emaciated look. So, you're only 10 pounds heavier than emaciated.
S: But you said I would have to lose 20 pounds...
R: No! I'm already emaciated, I'm going for the near-starvation look, and I still have to lose 10 pounds. So you are only 10 pounds away from emaciated. You do not want that. I DO NOT want you to look like that. I am not attracted to the World Class Female Marathon runner look.
S: Okay (I'm just really confused, and laughing really hard at this point.)
R: If you lost that much weight you would NOT look good, and you would be infertile. And I would be afraid to get my eyes poked out by you protruding clavicles.

Rivers proceeds to google search pictures of distance runners to prove his point. In the end, I understand what he was trying to say, but it took a while. What it comes down to is that the best compliment I could give him right now would be to say that he looked as though he had just come from spending 3 weeks lost in the desert with no food. Except...if Rivers was in the desert with no food he would probably find a way to feed himself. Let's try this... he was recruited a short time ago to star as a Bosnian refugee in a Upeace documentary (see below). So, in that respect, I guess he was giving me a really sweet compliment.