Alternative Toilets

Running errands just ain't what it used to be. Like today, for instance, when I had to make the hour-long trek to Honolulu to pick up Harper's Social Security Card. Pre-baby, this feat would have been annoying, but pretty low on the stress-o-meter. Add a one year old baby to the mix? Well, things aren't quite as easy rider as they used to be...

It started with strapping a fussy, hand-foot-and-mouth diseased baby into her car seat, coaxing her to sleep for the first 15 minutes of the car ride. This included many dangerous (and impressively acrobatic) manoevers that required extreme arm contortions to keep Harper's pacifier in her mouth. After she was finaly asleep, I was able to relax for a while, just until the keen pang of a full bladder came creeping up on me. At first it was a faint sensation, but after 45 minutes I was trying to figure out how to cross my legs and do the Pee Dance (you know what I'm talking about) while driving in a straight line. I never figured it out, but somehow I made it to Honolulu and parked on the side of a busy street. Was sweet relief just minutes away? Not exactly. Being that Harper was sick, I didn't have the heart to wake her. I figured she wouldn't sleep for much longer. 20 minutes elapsed, and I had resorted to a strange seat version of the Pee Dance to try and supress my burning bladder (my hands were gripped to the steering wheel, so think a faster version of the Macarena). Finally I couldn't take it anymore. Did I wake up baby and take her into a public bathroom? Nope. I peed in a bowl. That's right. A bowl. You might be thinking that this was a shameful act for me, but in the moment, I was actually really proud of myself. In fact, as soon as I was done, I texted Rivers to let him know how rustic I was. I thought he would be proudest of all. And he was. He sure was... The End.